My experience of being adopted after the transition of my parents, led me to this article.
I
often wonder how many people have had a successful adoption. I am not
referring only to the views of the child who gets adopted, but also from the
perspective of the parent or/guardian. I believe it takes an extremely
brave person to make a decision of this nature. It is more difficult I
would say for a child who knows or knew his or her parent to be more accepting of
an adoption than a child who doesn't know his or her parents at all.
There
are many of us who believe that adoption is a saving grace; others may
feel quite the opposite. My encounter has caused me to see adoption as a
very serious subject of discussion. Personally I am not at all against
the concept of adoption. However, I believe more consideration aught to
be given in cases where the child or children know their biological
parents. Why do I say that? When a child is already familiar with the
source they are from, there is no one or nothing that can be seen as a
replacement for that position. I was adopted at age eight, my parents
made their transition two years apart. My mother had ten children,
eight of them were for my father and my father had six children with
other women. I was the youngest girl for my parents. The death of my
parents was a very traumatic period in my life. My eldest sister taught
it was the best choice for me to be adopted. She told me the reason for
the decision was based upon the deplorable living situation we were
exposed to caused adoption to be an option. Therefore, " for a better
life," I was adopted, against my will. Effort was made to soothe me in
regards to the adoption. Venice, one of my sisters,who was closest to me
in age was also adopted, so as to comfort me.
I remember vividly,
crying passionately because I didn't want to go with my adopted mother
to spend weekends. This I suppose was preparing me for the transition,
"for a better life." Though I verbalized that I was going to live with
adopted mother, when I saw her once when i was a child; I surely didn't
mean for it to take root; it was just a passing thought that I
expressed aloud. I truly believe that the words I uttered had serious
repercussions. As a result, I can safely say that i would never have
made such utterances if I had known it would have become a reality.
My
adoption has been like a thorn in my side. The expectations of my
adopted mother has been a burden to me. She believes I owe her "LOVE."
Unfortunately for her I haven't been able to fulfill her desire. I have
never seen her as my mother and will never see her in that light; the
reason for this is because the love I experienced with both my parents
is not something I have ever felt or experienced with her. I learnt
from a tender age that love cannot be bought or forced. The separation
of my family and I, has caused me tremendous pain and depression for
most of my life. Being adopted by what Jamaicans would call a "white
woman" has not been a very favorable one for me. In my opinion, I don't
believe it was a good idea to have allowed someone who has never had any
children biology or otherwise to adopt me or anyone for that matter. I
was adopted by a very unhappy woman, which didn't at all help my state
of unhappiness. The irony is that she raised me to believe that I was
the only one who was troubled. She has never admitted to her inadequacies of
playing the mother role. Visits to psychiatrists and counselors were
her method of trying to heal something in me that couldn't be healed.
it wasn't about only being adopted that was a burden to me; it was
the fact that I was being led to believe that I had to love and respect
someone who was always interfering in my personal life in an unfavorable light, criticizing me, attempts of tearing me down in front of my face and constantly behind my back. She
also had no love or respect for herself, how then, was I going to ever
love or respect this human being. I felt obligated to her for many many
years, because I didn't want to appear ungrateful. My attempt in
wanting to be out of her life, led me to wanting to commit suicide. it
felt like my life was being threatened. As I became more conscious I
saw the picture more clearly and recognized the mindset of the woman who
adopted me. The continuous negative, unproductive discussions about me
pushed me further and further away. The animosity, quarrels and
constant verbal wars got worse leading into my adult years. Of course
it hasn't been all devastating, because if it wasn't for my adoption, I
would not have had the three glorious children, perhaps i wouldn't have
married the man I did and I also would not have met the unforgettable
humans I have met. I also would not of had the exposure to the artistic
world, which is virtue of my adopted mother. She is an independent
woman and a renowned artist, also an art teacher. Though my adopted
mother thinks I hate her, I really don't, I use to. I strongly believe
how she feels about me is also a major factor. I am very sensitive to
the feelings and thoughts of others, i pick up on her vibrations all the
time. She resents herself and I know she's not fond of me because I
haven't lived up to her expectations and I don't worship her. I
actually feel a sense of empathy for her. I am simply not interested in
playing the mother-daughter illusion role with her, neither do I feel
comfortable around her. Her thoughts are much louder than her voice,
this she's unaware of. A lot of damage has been done over the years,
that has caused me to literally feel numb towards our associations. Her
attempts in trying to fix me has pushed me over a cliff of no return.
However it wasn't all terrible. She has been a tower of strength in her consistency of being supportive as a provider, she also is a lover
of my unique clothing designs. I must acknowledge her strengths as well, I am
very grateful i am mindful of this. I must however stay true to myself, if nothing else.
There also has been no growth or change in her way of being, which
doesn't at all leave any room for an invitation in my heart. I know it
must be challenging for her as well, after all it must be heart
rendering to have adopted a child who doesn't feel love for you,
although the signs were there in the beginning. I never hid my
disapproval of wanting to be with her. I think she believed I would
just have to accept her as my mother dearest. The opposite has
occurred. My children however gives her a sense of love and I am elated
that she is able to feel needed somewhat through them. There is value
in all things; the most valuable moments of journey is and will always
be LOVE. This love i speak of is what I had with my parent. The lessons
I have learnt are remarkable ones. I have no regrets being adopted,
but many have asked me this; "would I go through it again?" The answer
is a definite NO! I wouldn't.
Lifetime Divine Lessons :
A. There's no replacement or substitute for divine love.
B. A child always welcomes the hands of love.
C. Children know more than they are able to express.
D. Love cannot be forced
E. Truth sets us free
G. Self love should be evident before adoption is granted.
H. Emotional intelligence and psychological analysis should be standard before adoption is granted.
I. The voice of a child is just as important as the voice of an adult. Listen to your children.
J. Think three times before you open your mouth
H. Never tear down your child publicly or otherwise, always speak positive words over your child's life.
I. Always be true to yourself, self honesty is priceless.
J. Age doesn't make you superior.
K. Status in life or money doesn't mean people are going to embrace you.
L. Money is an important aspect of raising children, but it is not enough to raise a wholesome child.
M. It is foolish to expect something you are not capable of giving.
Food for thought! Perhaps children one day will be able to adopt their parents :)
